Heritage Sadness...

This is the Heritage conference that I went with good self-esteem and LEFT with BAD SELF-ESTEEM! I've ALWAYS thought that I was beautiful...ALWAYS...buuuuuut that all changed in about one minute!!! It was Heritage 2004...eight years ago...I was 21 years old. We were at this youth thing and some guy made fun of me...pretended that the picknik bench I was sitting down at was breaking...the rest of the week...I thought...I'm NOTHING!!!

I specifially remember the last night....wearing this outfit...everyone said I looked sooooo pretty and I PRETENDED to act like I thought I did...buuuuuut I remember looking in the mirror and thinking, YOU LOOK HORRIBLE!!! Your NOTHING BUT A BIG FAT BLOB! No guy will EVER like you!!!

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It really shook me for a while!!! I have heard people say, if people make fun of you, just change it!!! Thats A LOT easier to say, than to do!!! I can remember the feeling of absolute helpless-hopelessness about my situation!!! I was in the 400's!!! I didn't have 20, 50, 80 or EVEN just 100 pounds to lose...OVER 200 pounds!!! That meant that EVEN if I lost 100 pounds... which in itself seemed a miserable and unconcievable task...I would still have ANOTHER 100 pounds to lose! I couldn't even fathom it!!!

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I come from a family of OVER WEIGHT people...buuuuuuuut I was the biggest out of EVERYONE!!! Do you know how that feels??? To know that your the fattest of the fattest...It feels HORRIBLE!!! It feels HOPELESS!!!

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I guess what I'm trying to say is that when you see a really huge fat person, try NOT to make fun of them! You have NO IDEA how your lil comment may effect them!!! I know we're all human and we make mistakes...buuuuut just remember that the fatty that your laughing at is a human too...WITH REAL FEELINGS...JUST LIKE YOU!!! Instead of mocking them...have COMPASSION...you HAVE NO IDEA what they may be feeling inside...pray for them!!! Pray that God will help them and give them the strength to OVERCOME their weakness!!!

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I'm gonna make it you guys...I'm GONNA DO IT...cuz I know God is gonna help me!!! Thank you everyone!!! Love you all and keep me in your prayers!!! :))))

 

♥Mary Frances :)

First Day...

Soooo I joined the gym back in August and have been pretty faithful with it!!! Buuuuuut basically I hav NO CLUE what I'm doing!!! Lololol soooo today I did my FIRST day with a personal!!! I am soooo excited about it! Not only is she going to work with me excercisebut also nutrition as well!!! She also seems super down to earth but really hard core at the same time!!! She was going over my whole routine with me and was like ok, how are you with remembering stuff??? I'm like ummm well considering you just asked me my age annnnd I had to think about it for like 15 seconds... Lol... She was like oh yeah! Ok! Annnnd she wrote down EXACTLEY EVERYTHING I needed to do, how many times and the weight! I was like niiiice!!! She also asked me what my goal was and I said that for right now, my first goal was to weigh 260 and she that she was going to help me get there... Buuuut at the same time she said she just wanted to let me know that she doesn't actually give a $&@&$?!$&@ about my goal... She cares about me being healthy and she said that your weight isn't actually what determines your health. They have this body fat percentage thing and she said me being healthy could end up me weighing less OR MORE than what I think and we're not going to determine my health off of a set chart!!! Soooo yeah... It went well annnnd I'm super excited!!!! :) everyone keep me in your prayers!!!!